Here’s my oddly self-deprecating biog from 2008. There’s a newer, brighter, sharper, fresher and altogether more boasty one to follow soon. Very soon. I’m looking forward to finding out what I’ve been up to.
Who are you?
What do you mean, who am I? It’s me.
Yes, I know that, but the nice ladies and gentleman don’t know who you are, do they?
Oh, OK, fair enough. My name’s David.
How are you doing?
I’m fine. You?
Not too bad, thanks. You know how it is. Swings and roundabouts. Life’s a bitch and then you die, that’s what they say, isn’t it? Whoever ‘they’ are, cos I’m sure I don’t know. Still, mustn’t grumble. Although, I’ve got to say, I’m really not getting on with these shoes. It’s always the way, isn’t it – they feel comfortable enough in the shop, but once you’ve walked about for a few hours, they get all tight, and I’m sure I’m getting a blister on my big toe. And while we’re on the subject…
Er… do you have any other questions?
Oh yes. I’m sorry. Next one. What are you?
I am – for the purposes of this interview, at least – a stand-up comic.
Are you sure?
Obviously not, or I wouldn’t have so self-consciously said ‘for the purposes of this interview’, would I? I’m a new guy, just getting started, but you will often find me in random pubs and comedy clubs telling jokes.
Is it fun to be a stand-up comic?
It looks like it, yes.
You know the self-deprecating thing isn’t all that charming, don’t you?
Fair enough. Yes, it is fun. And, like all good things, it’s often demeaning and humiliating, too. For anyone who likes to have their ego insanely boosted, and then pummelled into the dust, it’s a fantastic way to spend your time. I guess I must be one of those people.
Why did you decide to become a stand-up?
No idea, really. I’ve loved stand-up all my life, but never once entertained the idea of trying it myself. Then – through a series of improbable events, too tedious to recount – I was sort-of obliged to give it a try, found out I was utterly, unspeakably terrible, and decided I wouldn’t rest until I was at least mediocre.
How’s that working out?
I’m getting there.
Who or what are your influences?
Loads – I really do love stand-up in all its many forms. The major influence, I think, came from Saturday Live (a Channel 4 stand-up show from 1986 that gave alternative comedy its first decent TV exposure). I had no idea this world of stand-up existed, couldn’t believe how fantastic, exciting, ingenious and funny it was, and fell in love with it. It was great. I promise.
Tell us a joke
I don’t know any jokes. As a stand-up artist, I prefer to deliver complex performance pieces that work on numerous levels while always, always revealing, at their heart, a truth. Sometimes sad, sometimes bitter, but always, at some profound level, true.
No, not really. I just talk cobblers. But I still don’t know any jokes.
Still – you must have had some crazy adventures, eh?
Erm, yes, I must have. Crazy times, ooh, I could tell you. Insane it was, goodness me yes. Next question?
What do you do when you’re not doing stand-up?
I march to the beat of the Capitalist drum. I don’t do it very well, though, which is why I’m always skint. It’s a tremendously sad day when you decide to sell out and discover you’re not really worth that much.
How would you solve the problems in the Middle East? Keep your answer to 10 words or less.
I would urge them all to grow up. No, no, I would get you to urge them all to grow up. I’d be in the concrete bunker.